Sunday, October 19, 2014

Cheap beer and heartbreak

Taking a short break from tech related things to vent a little bit, because I do sometimes try to have a normal, human life…

"It's for the best, you know."

Everyone keeps saying that.

"You made the right choice for you."

"I can see why you found him attractive, but…"

Yea, yea. It was dumb to even try. I get it friends, I get it.

I take another swig of cheap beer, and think about all the things I'm currently working on -- a baby quilt for some of my favorite friends, a shiny silk and linen scarf with a knit command logo motif, setting up a monthly meetup for my fellow area Mac geeks, getting my third ever talk prepped and ready for my second ever conference, a handful of projects at work, work in general, oh, and then there's getting a women in tech panel ready for the conference next summer.

Not to mention I want to try and get a short story collection put together and e-published before my 30th birthday.

I'm a busy woman. Too busy to be sad. But fuck, I'm sad. He was tantalizingly similar and different from me. He was who I could have been if I'd been born male. Is it wrong to want your own opposite gender doppelgänger?

Is it wrong to be horribly disappointed when you realize he's broken? That he can't make progress to unbreak himself? To realize that you're stronger and tougher and more adaptable than a man you would do anything for?

Not anything. There was no way I could keep suffering without any sign of things getting better. Fuck, things had gotten progressively worse. I've spent so much of the last ten months alone and sad and abandoned. And then there would be a few shining glorious days where everything was beautiful and magical and great and it was like having a best friend and life partner who got me... and he'd be gone.

The universe is looking after me, I swear. I keep getting what I need as I need it.

I know I have to be patient, keep moving forward, and let nature take it's course.

Eventually everything will work out. Eventually I'll find the right person, if he exists.

For now? Cheap beer and heartbreak. Tomorrow? More time with my friends and users and peers.

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