Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Leaving Hope

So, of everything Nine Inch Nails has ever done my all time most favorite piece of work is a little album called Still.

It has some acoustic renditions of major NIN songs, and some of my favorite tracks not found elsewhere:

The Persistence of Loss
Leaving Hope
And All That Could Have Been

Looking back over the last year in regards to myself and the Mac Admin community those three songs sum up everything.

I've dealt with rampant misogyny.

Bullying.

Harassment.

Gatekeeping.

Agism.

I'm done.

I'm sick of it.

I refuse to put up with any more puerile, callow behavior from "adults" my age and older.

I've been harassed, bullied, and driven from the community by women.

I've been gate kept and told that I should take a Stepford Wives approach to how I behave and present myself if I wanted an unpaid position as a session chair at a conference that happened earlier this month.

I've had people I considered my friends and colleagues turn their backs on me, side with the bullies, and kick me out to the cold.

Had folks act oh so concerned, only to completely forget that I exist once they were sure I wasn't so depressed I was going to commit suicide.

I've deactivated my account on the MacAdmins Slack instance. I can only hope and pray that one of the admins from Slack will realize I still have access to their damn github project and remove me from it, as they have failed to remove me from it for over a month and a half.

I give up.

I GIVE UP!

SOMEONE TELL THE BULLIES I GIVE UP!

MacAD.UK will be my last conference, unless I'm explicitly invited to come speak at something going forward, and can find the time and money to attend.

The stress of trying to make the world a better place almost killed me.

Being abandoned and deserted by people I considered to be my friends crushed me.

So, you know what? Have your white, cisgendered, upper middle class male haven Mac Admin community.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Thank you for proving that NOTHING has changed socially in the last 15 years in the tech spheres.

Thank you for proving that it's a Man's World, and I have no place in it.

Oh, and for anyone in the Mac community who has daughters? Don't let your little girls grow up to be geeks. You'll fail them worse than you've failed me and my sister geeks.

3 comments:

  1. Vanessa,

    Truly sorry for what others have done to you. I don't know the details nor need them but I wanted to say thank you. I really enjoyed meeting you at PSU MacAdmins over this past summer. Although, it might not seem like it at this moment in time you have made a positive impact on many community members, myself included.

    Regards,
    Clayton

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  2. Same here... stumbled on your blog tonight after following a few social media links down a rabit hole... doubt you remember me, but have had the pleasure of attending your sessions the past couple of years at the PSU conference, and exchanging the occasional tweet. I don't know the details, but from one Mac sys admin to another: I respect your technical chops, and just remember - in the end, the admin role is a job, and life expands well beyond it. Hope to cross paths again some day, we need more like you.

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  3. I too eventually ended up here by following twitter down a rabbit hole. I don't spend a lot of time on Slack, so I have no idea what happened, but I just wanted to say that after watching videos of some of your talks from various conferences, I was looking forward to meeting you and listening in person at macaduk. I note that you say you'll still be attending, so I look forward to your session and then shouting you a drink afterwards. 👍

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